By: John S. Morlu II, CPA
Arrived in Nairobi on June 25th. And let me say this plainly:
This is not just a city — it’s the last stop on Earth before Hell. And they charge you an entrance fee.
Now, I’ve been around. I’ve seen Bangkok’s night markets, Istanbul’s Grand Bazaar, Monrovia’s cheeky backdoor deals, and Lagos on a Monday morning. But Nairobi? Nairobi is a beast with Wi-Fi and strategy.
You don’t walk into Nairobi.
Nairobi walks into you.
“Hustler Nation” Wasn’t a Joke
Kenya’s President said it loud and proud: This is a hustler nation.
He wasn’t lying. If anything, he was being humble.
Nairobi is New York on triple espresso, Las Vegas without the casinos, and Mardi Gras without permission slips.
It’s a start-up pitch, a traffic jam, a catwalk, and a spiritual test — all happening simultaneously while your phone gets pickpocketed and monetized for data.
A Melting Pot, Set on High Heat
Yesterday, I walked into a place in Nairobi and became — wait for it — the only minority in Africa.
Yes. I said that.
And no, it wasn’t an embassy or a UN office.
It was just Nairobi doing what Nairobi does — pulling in everyone from everywhere.
I saw:
- Rwandans selling Korean skincare
- Somalis in three-piece suits managing crypto kiosks
- Indian barbers who speak better Swahili than me
- Chinese engineers buying roasted maize from Tanzanian grannies
- And a Congolese guitarist serenading a Swedish NGO rep wearing a Maasai shuka
Fun fact: Nairobi’s official languages are English and Swahili — but in practice, they speak Hustle. Every accent is welcome as long as your money is ready.
Wife for Hire? Welcome to Survival Tactics 101
I won’t lie: I got overwhelmed.
The hustle was so efficient, I had to pay 10,000 Kenyan Shillings (about $77) to a woman to pretend to be my wife — just so I could move freely without being sold insurance, prayer beads, water filters, crypto, or a plot of land in Nanyuki (with no title deed, of course).
I didn’t want to stay in the pick-up lane — and I was fast becoming a walking lottery ticket.
So I quickly hustled my way into fake wifery.
Imagine that: I paid to be “married” in Nairobi.
My ancestors did not see that plot twist coming.
Bring a Bible. And a Quran. And Possibly a Lawyer
Forget church or mosque on every corner like in West Africa.
In Nairobi, faith lives in your hustle.
If Jesus ran a carpentry business here, he’d need a marketing team.
If Prophet Muhammad opened a shop, he’d be on Jumia with next-day delivery.
This is spiritual warfare with an M-Pesa wallet.
Interesting tidbit: Nairobi is one of Africa’s most tech-savvy cities — over 80% of mobile money transactions in Kenya happen via M-Pesa. Even the beggars use QR codes. No joke.
So yes — bring your Bible, your Quran, your Wi-Fi, and your sense of humor. You’ll need them all. Especially the humor.
Good Luck Getting an Uber After 1AM
Fun fact: Nairobi has one of the worst traffic congestion problems in the world.
After 1AM, good luck getting:
- Uber 🚗
- Bolt ⚡
- Boda boda 🏍️
- Tuk tuk 🛺
- Matatu (local bus) 🚌
At that hour, demand is so high even Google Maps starts praying.
You’ll walk. And while walking, someone will try to sell you bottled air, insurance for your backpack, and probably a seminar on becoming a billionaire by next Friday.
Why Nairobi Still Wins
All jokes aside — and yes, we’re still joking — Nairobi matters.
This is the economic, tech, policy, logistics, creative, and startup nerve center of East Africa.
You can ignore it, dismiss it, or fear it. But you can’t avoid it.
This is a city where:
- UN Headquarters for Africa is based
- Microsoft, Google, and IBM all have regional hubs
- SafariCom makes more money than some countries
- Influencers are micro-funded like Silicon Valley startups
- And citizens read Terms & Conditions like legal contracts
So yes — Nairobi is madness. But it’s madness with method.
If you can make it here, everything else will feel like a soft jazz playlist.
The Final Mosaic
Nairobi is a mosaic of all the races and religions in the known universe.
You’ll find:
- Koreans speaking Kikuyu
- Ethiopians running barbershops
- Nigerian tech bros launching apps called “MamaTuma”
- Russians importing Bibles and exporting furniture
- Americans “discovering themselves” in yoga studios run by South Sudanese monks
- And Kenyans… just running the whole show.
This is planet earth, compressed into 700 square kilometers and caffeinated.
Final Word
Nairobi is not heaven.
But it is the workshop God used to build survivors.
If you come here soft, you’ll leave sharper than a Maasai spear.
If you come arrogant, you’ll leave spiritually broke (and possibly actually broke).
But if you come ready — ready to grind, learn, adapt, negotiate, pray, and maybe marry temporarily for logistics — you’ll walk away immortal.
So pack light.
Smile with your eyes.
And whatever you do, don’t stop walking.
This is Nairobi. And Nairobi does not blink.
About the Author
John is an entrepreneur, strategist, and founder of JS Morlu, LLC, a Virginia based CPA firm with multiple software ventures including www.FinovatePro.com, www.Recksoft.com and www.Fixaars.com . With operations spanning multiple countries, John is on a mission to build global infrastructure that empowers small businesses, entrepreneurs, and professionals to thrive in an increasingly competitive world. He believes in hard truths, smart execution, and the relentless pursuit of excellence. When he’s not writing or building, he’s challenging someone to a productivity contest—or inventing software that automates it.