By Common Sense & Reality, Reporting Live from Your Pocket
By: John S. Morlu II, CPA
Let’s Talk About Luxury in Africa (No, Not the Instagram Kind)
Let’s be real for a second.
When people imagine luxury in Africa, they think of safaris and maybe a five-star lodge in the middle of nowhere. Or some influencer with palm trees and sunsets behind them, hashtagging #blessed and #continentvibes.
But that’s not what we’re talking about.
We’re talking about real wealth. The kind that moves in silence… but somehow has three cars, a personal driver, and a backup generator the size of a shipping container.
Welcome to the Real Flex
🚘 The sleek black Range Rover with tinted windows so dark it might as well be a spaceship. License plates? Optional.
🏠 The five-bedroom mansion behind electric fences, with a guard dog named “Obama” and two bored security guards watching TikTok all day.
🥂 The VIP lounge in a club with no running water — but five bottles of champagne and a 23-year-old with no job yelling, “Put it on my tab!”
👠 The woman in head-to-toe Gucci… waiting for a tor tor because her Benz is “in the shop.”
You ever pause and ask: Who’s paying for all this?
Because from the outside, it looks like magic. But the truth?
“Africa doesn’t have a money problem. It has a distribution problem — and a serious hustle economy.”
You might think these are CEOs, tech entrepreneurs, or international consultants. Sometimes, yes.
But many times? Nope.
The ones really living large — the VIPs behind the velvet rope — often work in places that shouldn’t make people rich.
That’s where the hustle comes in.
Introducing: The African Hustle Handbook
Who’s Really Living Large (And How They’re Funding It Without a Day Job)
This isn’t a conspiracy. It’s public knowledge… just whispered. Quietly. Around dinner tables. In taxis. At weddings. Even the preachers know. Some are in on it.
Because in many parts of Africa, if you’re smart, connected, and morally… flexible, you don’t wait for salary. You create your own economy — inside the economy.
So buckle up.
Let’s peel back the curtain and see who’s balling on a public sector budget — and how that beer you bought last night might’ve just funded someone’s side mansion in the hills.
This is Africa.
This is survival.
This is the hustle.
1. Bank Tellers – Masters of Micro-Theft
They don’t rob banks. They are the bank.
No guns. No masks. No car chases.
Just a neat shirt, a polite smile, and a computer screen filled with your life savings.
The real African heist happens through tiny, undetectable deductions.
Fifty cents here. A dollar there. Maybe a few random “ledger fees” that no one understands — not even the bank manager.
The favorite targets?
- Old pensioners who think “SMS alert” is witchcraft.
- Rural farmers who only check their balance once a year.
- You — if you’re too busy living your soft life to ever reconcile your account.
💸 Fun Math:
Steal $1 from 5,000 people = $5,000/month.
Do that for 12 months = $60,000/year.
And guess what? No audits. No jail. Just vibes.
🧠 Fun Fact:
This isn’t Wells Fargo “Oops-we-opened-a-fake-account” stuff.
This is raw, greasy, untraceable theft. In your face. And on your statement — disguised as “adjustment fee.”
And when you complain?
“Sorry, it was a system error, boss.”
Sure. A system built by humans… who like Dubai.
2. Tax Collectors & Customs Officers – The Invoice Magicians
They should’ve been in Vegas, really.
These guys can make money vanish faster than you can say ‘duty-free’.
You import laptops? The official invoice says $2,000.
But suddenly — BAM! — there’s a “missing document” fee. Or an “urgent clearance” fee.
And then comes the whisper:
“We can help you… but you help us first.”
Translation: Pay less tax to the government, pay more to their lunch fund.
And let’s be honest — who wouldn’t want their goods cleared in 24 hours instead of 6 months?
💡 Tidbit:
One business owner claims he paid more in ‘settlements’ than actual import taxes. His goods arrived early… and so did his migraines.
It’s not corruption anymore. It’s customer service.
African style.
🎩 Bonus Logic:
Why push for tax reform when you’ve got “negotiable honesty,” flexible ethics, and pocket-friendly shortcuts?
3. Auditors – The Report Whisperers
Ah, the mighty auditor. The supposed guardian of transparency.
They arrive with clipboards, serious faces, and promises of accountability.
But some? They’re just professional storytellers.
Want your financials to sparkle like fairy dust?
$2,000 and we’ll forget that ‘missing’ $80,000.
Want to destroy your business rival?
Pay us — and we’ll turn their books into crime scenes.
🧾 Common Sense Alert:
Real, honest auditors exist. They usually:
- Live abroad.
- Work for NGOs.
- Or have side hustles selling plantain.
🔍 Fun Fact:
Some audit firms never open a single ledger.
They copy last year’s report, change the dates, and call it “compliance.”
You’re not audited. You’re narrated.
4. Procurement Officers – The Price Inflators
Here lies the king of quiet corruption.
Their job? To buy things at a good price.
What they actually do? Buy cheap things at ridiculous prices… and pocket the difference.
Need a plastic chair? Suddenly it’s “ergonomically reinforced imported furniture” — $600.
Want chalk? It becomes “dust-resistant learning enhancement minerals” — $12,000 for two boxes.
Why do managers approve this nonsense?
Because everyone’s getting a piece of the pie.
🎪 When it’s time to award contracts, it’s like a bad Nollywood movie.
- The winner is already picked.
- The rest are window dressing.
- The contract? 10x inflated — and split four ways.
🧻 Fun Fact:
One ministry once spent $50,000 on “technical pens.”
Turns out… they were just regular BICs with gold stickers.
5. Accountants & Controllers – The Commission Collectors
Now meet the gatekeepers of the gravy train.
Want your invoice paid? You better come with both documents… and a gift.
Even if your papers are flawless, nothing moves without grease — aka a “facilitation fee.”
It’s simple:
- “Pay me to pay you.”
- Or better yet, “Advance me so I can pay you faster.”
🥪 Interesting Tidbit:
These guys wear designer suits, drive used German sedans, and hold three phones:
- One for the office.
- One for family.
- One for shaking down suppliers.
📠 Bonus Joke:
Even Jesus had Judas. Every organization has that one accountant who disappears every Friday at 3pm — just when payment runs are due.
You thought your payment was delayed because of system issues?
Nope. It’s just that he hasn’t “eaten” yet.
6. Waiters & Waitresses – The Poverty Thieves
This is the bottom of the pyramid — but not without its tricks.
These aren’t sharks. They’re sardines with side missions.
Here’s the hustle:
- You order 2 beers.
- You get charged for 4.
- You question it? They blame “the POS system.”
No receipt. No proof. And you’re too buzzed to argue.
They overcharge tourists, drunk locals, foreigners, expats — basically anyone with a pulse and poor math skills.
🍻 Real Talk:
They don’t steal to buy Gucci. They steal to buy eggs and data bundles.
Their hustle is born from desperation — not ambition.
But still… they will finesse you.
That $3 beer you sipped under fairy lights?
It became $15 with a smile and a nod — and you even tipped for “great service.”
Moral of the Story: Everyone’s Trying to Eat
From the airport cleaner to the procurement kingpin, one thing connects them all: the hustle.
Because in many parts of Africa:
- Survival isn’t about salary.
- It’s about side doors, shortcuts, and “fixers.”
There’s an invisible tax no one talks about.
• Not in the budget.
• Not on the law books.
• But in your bill, your wait time, your customs clearance.
So if you’re:
- A tourist: double-check the bill.
- A business owner: triple-check the invoice.
- A dreamer: don’t be naive.
Because in Africa?
If you’re not alert, you’ll fund someone’s vacation, baby shower, and side business — without ever leaving your seat.
Tourists and Business People: Be Smart. Stay Sharp.
Welcome to Africa — a land of beauty, brilliance… and blatant billing gymnastics.
You’re not just here to see the sights — you’re now a walking ATM with emotions.
That camera around your neck? That new Nike bag? That polite smile?
Yeah. You’re already being price-assessed in real-time.
So here’s your survival checklist — no safari guide required:
✅ 1. Ask for Receipts.
If there’s no receipt, it never happened.
Ask nicely. Ask twice. If they say “the machine is down,” that’s code for: “I’m pocketing this.”
✅ 2. Confirm Prices Twice.
The price of a Coke depends on your accent.
Local: $1.
Foreigner: $3.
Foreigner with sunglasses and confidence: $5 + VAT.
Always ask: “Is this the final price?”
Then ask again when you’re paying. The price is always emotionally flexible.
✅ 3. Don’t Flash Your Wallet Like It’s a Trophy.
You’re not in a rap video. Keep your bundles in your pocket — not on parade.
Show off? Someone’s about to “tax” your happiness.
Use small notes. Hide the rest. Carry coins. Smile with humility, not Gucci.
✅ 4. Know the Difference Between Respect and Being Robbed Politely.
Just because they say “Welcome, boss” or “Madam you are blessed,” doesn’t mean you’re safe.
You’re being buttered up — before the financial frying pan.
Poverty Mentality is Real. But So is Street Genius.
Yes, people are poor.
But poor doesn’t mean dumb.
In fact, some of the most brilliant minds in the country are not in boardrooms — they’re:
• Finessing tourists in hotel lobbies.
• Overbilling you at customs while smiling.
• Selling you “authentic artifacts” made in China.
They don’t have MBAs — but they have PhDs in human psychology, street negotiation, and wallet detection.
This isn’t crime. This is economic improvisation.
It’s Survivor: African Edition — where every day is a hustle, and every visitor is a potential jackpot.
“You’re not just paying for the service — you’re paying to survive the system.”
So when you come to Africa:
- Keep one eye on your wallet
- One eye on your beer
- And your third eye on the game.
Because…
A “welcome gift” may be a sales pitch.
A handshake might come with a favor request.
And “it’s free, boss” almost never is.
🍻 Final Toast:
Africa is joy. It’s rhythm. It’s resilience.
But don’t get caught slipping.
Cheers to the beauty — and the bills.
Now go enjoy your trip.
Just… count your change. Twice.
Author: John S. Morlu II, CPA is the CEO and Chief Strategist of JS Morlu, leads a globally recognized public accounting and management consultancy firm. Under his visionary leadership, JS Morlu has become a pioneer in developing cutting-edge technologies across B2B, B2C, P2P, and B2G verticals. The firm’s groundbreaking innovations include AI-powered reconciliation software (ReckSoft.com) and advanced cloud accounting solutions (FinovatePro.com), setting new industry standards for efficiency, accuracy, and technological excellence.
