The Collapse of Hand Function, Toe Engineering, and Hair Aerodynamics
By: John S. Morlu II, CPA
A Satirical Mega-Essay for People Who Still Believe in Common Sense
I was in a bar in Accra — minding my own business, drinking my drink, and observing life like a National Geographic researcher — when I stumbled upon a humanitarian crisis. A cultural emergency. A national threat. A gender-specific epidemic so widespread, so catastrophic, so scientifically baffling that even the ancestors probably whispered: “My child, what are we seeing here?”
Every woman under 50 had long nails. Not just long — LONG. The type of nails that can pick satellite signals. The type of nails that can scratch your soul. The type of nails that arrive two minutes before the woman does.
These nails were not nails; these nails were infrastructure.
And then it hit me: Hands — God’s original multipurpose tools — have been repurposed into purely decorative ornaments.
I realized that women today have turned their hands into museum exhibits. They are now art installations, not functioning equipment.
Chapter 1: The Hands Have Resigned From Service
Once upon a time, hands used to:
Open bottles
Cook food
Fold laundry
Peel oranges
Wash clothes
Collect firewood
Beat fufu
Discipline children
And fight mosquitoes with precision
Today? Hands are on pension. Early retirement. As a matter of fact, they have relocated to Dubai.
Hands have one job now: To look cute while being absolutely useless.
The new modern hand is like a celebrity influencer: beautiful, expensive, and incapable of doing anything practical.
Chapter 2: The Water Bottle Incident — A Full Crime Scene Analysis
I watched a woman attempt to open a bottle of water. She tried twisting it. She failed. She repositioned. She failed again. She used her palm. The bottle insulted her.
She handed it to her friend. Her friend attempted. Her friend’s nails clicked against the plastic like two swords in a medieval duel.
Failure. The bottle looked at them like: “You’re not serious.”
Eventually, a man was summoned. He opened the bottle in 0.2 seconds. Not because he is strong. Not because he is a man. But because he has HANDS. Fully functioning, naturally equipped, God-designed hands.
These women were looking at the bottle like it was a calculus exam.
Chapter 3: Fun Facts About the New Nail Economy
Let us talk science.
Average Acrylic Nail Length in Accra: LONGER than the average Shoprite receipt. And Shoprite receipts can wrap a medium-sized goat.
Nail Thickness: Stronger than the MTN network. If these nails had 4G, they would outperform Vodafone.
Aerodynamics: If she runs, her nails whistle.
Nail-to-Hand Ratio: For every 1 hand, 93% is nail. The remaining 7% is suffering.
Chapter 4: The Hair That Could Command Wind
Then there are the wigs. The wigs are long. Biblical long. Samson-after-three-years-of-no-haircut long.
Some of these wigs are so long, if she stands at East Legon, the wig reaches Labone.
The wig delay is worse than MTN at 8 PM:
She turns her head
The wig thinks about life
The wig does a slow pivot
The wig completes its rotation 3 seconds later
At this point, the wig is a life partner. A dependent. A spiritual assignment.
If you cut some of these wigs, you will release trapped heat that has been stored since 2021.
Head Utilization Capacity (HUC) — Research Findings
When wig length passes 32 inches:
40% of brain power is redirected to neck support
20% is lost to heat
10% is allocated to adjusting the wig
15% goes to keeping it from falling
Only 15% is left for thinking, judgment, or decision-making
That is why some conversations don’t make sense. The brain is tired.
The wig is using more energy than the entire human.
Chapter 5: Real-Life Events Recorded in the Bar
Let me break down the madness:
Event 1: The Nail vs. Phone Screen Battle — A woman tried to type on her phone. Her nails were so long she typed three words she didn’t intend, opened TikTok, liked a video, and accidentally sent “Hi” to her ex from 2017. The phone was in pain. Even Siri gave up.
Event 2: The Clap That Shook the Building — A lady tried to clap along to a song. Her nails collided midair. The sound was “KRAAAAANG!!!” The bartender ducked. Two people looked around like a gunshot went off. Her nails clapped louder than she did.
Event 3: The Wig Misalignment Crisis — One woman adjusted her wig. Her nails got stuck in the lace. She froze like a statue. Her friend had to rescue her like she was defusing a bomb.
Chapter 6: And Now, the Toenail Apocalypse
Just when I thought it was over, the toes arrived.
Toenails. Decorated. Painted. Grown to lengths that violate building codes.
Toenails so long they cast shadows. Toenails so long they break the aerodynamics of sandals. Toenails so long they could sign documents.
Real Incident: Woman Drops Phone — She tries to pick it up with her hands. Fails because the fingernails block her. So she bends… and her toenails tap the phone screen.
WhatsApp opens. Her toe likes a status. Her toe sends a sticker. Her toe nearly video-calls someone.
Her toe committed cybercrime.
Chapter 7: Medical Analysis Nobody Requested
Aesthetic-Induced Toe Dysfunction (AITD)
Symptoms include:
Shoe incompatibility
Walking like someone balancing a tray in high heels
Risk of toe-based injuries
Delayed walking reaction time
Reduced sprint capacity
Increased likelihood of tripping over oxygen
Toenails were designed to help humans run. Now they prevent escape during emergencies.
If a fire alarm goes off and your toenails are long?
You will walk out with dignity — or perish with fashion.
Author: John S. Morlu II, CPA is the CEO and Chief Strategist of JS Morlu, and leads a licensed public accounting and management consultancy firm. He has more than 20 years of professional experience in auditing and advisory work, including service as Auditor General of Liberia and FAR and DCAA compliance work at Unisys Federal Systems. The firm’s technology products include AI-powered reconciliation software (ReckSoft.com), a handyman services platform (Fixaars.com) and advanced cloud accounting solutions (FinovatePro.com), built for finance and operations teams.
JS Morlu LLC is a licensed certified public accounting firm founded in 2012 and based in Woodbridge, Virginia, serving clients across the Washington, D.C. Metro Area. The firm is AICPA peer reviewed and provides accounting, tax, consulting, and attest and assurance services. Specialist practices include government contract accounting and DCAA compliance, business valuation, forensic accounting, and audits for homeowners associations, nonprofits and home health care organizations. Talk to us || What our clients say about us
Chapter 35: The Great Nail Crisis of Accra
The Collapse of Hand Function, Toe Engineering, and Hair Aerodynamics
By: John S. Morlu II, CPA
A Satirical Mega-Essay for People Who Still Believe in Common Sense
I was in a bar in Accra — minding my own business, drinking my drink, and observing life like a National Geographic researcher — when I stumbled upon a humanitarian crisis. A cultural emergency. A national threat. A gender-specific epidemic so widespread, so catastrophic, so scientifically baffling that even the ancestors probably whispered: “My child, what are we seeing here?”
Every woman under 50 had long nails.
Not just long — LONG.
The type of nails that can pick satellite signals.
The type of nails that can scratch your soul.
The type of nails that arrive two minutes before the woman does.
These nails were not nails; these nails were infrastructure.
And then it hit me: Hands — God’s original multipurpose tools — have been repurposed into purely decorative ornaments.
I realized that women today have turned their hands into museum exhibits. They are now art installations, not functioning equipment.
Chapter 1: The Hands Have Resigned From Service
Once upon a time, hands used to:
Today? Hands are on pension. Early retirement. As a matter of fact, they have relocated to Dubai.
Hands have one job now: To look cute while being absolutely useless.
The new modern hand is like a celebrity influencer: beautiful, expensive, and incapable of doing anything practical.
Chapter 2: The Water Bottle Incident — A Full Crime Scene Analysis
I watched a woman attempt to open a bottle of water. She tried twisting it. She failed. She repositioned. She failed again. She used her palm. The bottle insulted her.
She handed it to her friend. Her friend attempted. Her friend’s nails clicked against the plastic like two swords in a medieval duel.
Failure. The bottle looked at them like: “You’re not serious.”
Eventually, a man was summoned. He opened the bottle in 0.2 seconds. Not because he is strong. Not because he is a man. But because he has HANDS. Fully functioning, naturally equipped, God-designed hands.
These women were looking at the bottle like it was a calculus exam.
Chapter 3: Fun Facts About the New Nail Economy
Let us talk science.
Chapter 4: The Hair That Could Command Wind
Then there are the wigs. The wigs are long. Biblical long. Samson-after-three-years-of-no-haircut long.
Some of these wigs are so long, if she stands at East Legon, the wig reaches Labone.
The wig delay is worse than MTN at 8 PM:
At this point, the wig is a life partner. A dependent. A spiritual assignment.
If you cut some of these wigs, you will release trapped heat that has been stored since 2021.
Head Utilization Capacity (HUC) — Research Findings
When wig length passes 32 inches:
That is why some conversations don’t make sense. The brain is tired.
The wig is using more energy than the entire human.
Chapter 5: Real-Life Events Recorded in the Bar
Let me break down the madness:
Event 1: The Nail vs. Phone Screen Battle — A woman tried to type on her phone. Her nails were so long she typed three words she didn’t intend, opened TikTok, liked a video, and accidentally sent “Hi” to her ex from 2017. The phone was in pain. Even Siri gave up.
Event 2: The Clap That Shook the Building — A lady tried to clap along to a song. Her nails collided midair. The sound was “KRAAAAANG!!!” The bartender ducked. Two people looked around like a gunshot went off. Her nails clapped louder than she did.
Event 3: The Wig Misalignment Crisis — One woman adjusted her wig. Her nails got stuck in the lace. She froze like a statue. Her friend had to rescue her like she was defusing a bomb.
Chapter 6: And Now, the Toenail Apocalypse
Just when I thought it was over, the toes arrived.
Toenails. Decorated. Painted. Grown to lengths that violate building codes.
Toenails so long they cast shadows. Toenails so long they break the aerodynamics of sandals. Toenails so long they could sign documents.
Real Incident: Woman Drops Phone — She tries to pick it up with her hands. Fails because the fingernails block her. So she bends… and her toenails tap the phone screen.
WhatsApp opens. Her toe likes a status. Her toe sends a sticker. Her toe nearly video-calls someone.
Her toe committed cybercrime.
Chapter 7: Medical Analysis Nobody Requested
Aesthetic-Induced Toe Dysfunction (AITD)
Symptoms include:
Toenails were designed to help humans run. Now they prevent escape during emergencies.
If a fire alarm goes off and your toenails are long?
You will walk out with dignity — or perish with fashion.
Chapter 8: Full Combined Table of Suffering
Functionality Scores (0 = impossible, 10 = normal)
Chapter 9: Summary of Humanity’s Decline
Let’s recap:
At this point, evolution has taken a coffee break.
Final Conclusion (Scientific + Comedic + Truthful)
Ladies, we love you — truly.
But this is a PSA:
Please.
Let the hands function.
Let the toes breathe.
Let the brain cool down.
Let common sense return.
God created hands as miracles. Not as decoration.
And toenails? Toenails were never meant to be machetes.
Coming Up Next »
Author: John S. Morlu II, CPA is the CEO and Chief Strategist of JS Morlu, and leads a licensed public accounting and management consultancy firm. He has more than 20 years of professional experience in auditing and advisory work, including service as Auditor General of Liberia and FAR and DCAA compliance work at Unisys Federal Systems. The firm’s technology products include AI-powered reconciliation software (ReckSoft.com), a handyman services platform (Fixaars.com) and advanced cloud accounting solutions (FinovatePro.com), built for finance and operations teams.
JS Morlu LLC is a licensed certified public accounting firm founded in 2012 and based in Woodbridge, Virginia, serving clients across the Washington, D.C. Metro Area. The firm is AICPA peer reviewed and provides accounting, tax, consulting, and attest and assurance services. Specialist practices include government contract accounting and DCAA compliance, business valuation, forensic accounting, and audits for homeowners associations, nonprofits and home health care organizations.
Talk to us || What our clients say about us