Warning: Entering a relationship in 2025 and beyond may require a helmet, legal counsel, emotional PPE, and an emergency exit strategy.
By: John S. Morlu II, CPA
Once upon a time, relationships were about love, commitment, and sharing your last slice of bread during famine. Now? They’re about reading “vibes,” decoding Instagram stories, and surviving emotional explosions like a bomb disposal expert trying to defuse a device labeled “I’m fine.”
Modern dating isn’t romance—it’s risk management. Every person comes with a hazard rating, risk appetite, and probability of emotional catastrophe.
Congratulations. You’re not a lover anymore. You’re an underpaid risk analyst working in a psychological minefield.
Welcome to 2025: The Age of Emotional Compliance. Where love isn’t found at first sight — it’s negotiated through unread messages, red flags disguised as self-care quotes, and someone who still checks their ex’s story “just out of curiosity.”
You no longer “fall in love”—you enter a contractual emotional arrangement while calculating exposure to heartbreak volatility. The process resembles onboarding into a hazardous worksite:
| Step | Emotionally Safe Name | Actual Meaning |
| Step 1: Interest | “He seems nice.” | You ignored 4 red flags because he likes the same pizza toppings. |
| Step 2: Talking Stage | “We’re vibing.” | You’re basically dating but legally cannot ask “What are we?” without risk of sudden termination. |
| Step 3: Soft Launch | Posting their elbow | You are testing public reaction like a product beta release. |
| Step 4: Hard Launch | Full face reveal | This is the IPO of your love life. Market crash likely. |
| Step 5: Decline | “Things changed.” | They liked a different person’s gym selfie and said it was “just for motivation.” |
| Step 6: Fallout | “Healing era.” | You dye your hair, hit the gym, download Duolingo, and threaten to move to Bali. |
Chapter 1: Welcome to Emotional OSHA Compliance
If relationships were workplaces, OSHA (Occupational Safety and Health Administration) would have shut them down years ago:
| Hazard | Likelihood | Severity | Required Protection |
| Catching feelings too early | High | Severe cringe | Ghosting-proof vest |
| Emotional baggage dump | Guaranteed | PTSD-level | Steel-toed boundaries |
| Silent treatment storms | Very High | Emotional frostbite | Thermal communication layers |
| Unexpected “So what are we?” interrogation | Every Sunday | Life-threatening | Lawyer present |
Failure to comply with emotional safety standards may result in heartbreak, toxic attachment, or the sudden realization that you’ve been in a “situationship” since the Obama administration.
Modern relationships would earn at least 17 citations for unsafe working conditions. Here are the most common infractions reported by the Heart Safety Bureau:
| OSHA Violation Code | Description | Real World Example | Penalty |
| HRT-101 | Exposure to unprocessed trauma | They compare you to their ex “just for reference.” | Compulsory healing playlist |
| GHO-404 | Sudden disappearance without warning | “Delivered” → silence for 9 months → “Hey stranger” | Emotional lawsuit pending |
| ATT-007 | Mixed signals and breadcrumbing | Responds instantly… but calls you “bro” | Forced 90-day clarity detox |
| EXP-666 | Oversharing on Day 1 | “My ex took my dog and left me emotionally bankrupt but I’m ready.” | Therapy bill forwarded to you |
| VIB-000 | “Just vibes” with no direction | 9 months of Netflix and denial | Time-wasted settlement |
| CRY-911 | Crying without context at 2AM | “What are we doing?” → tears | Deployment of emotional EMTs |
Required Emotional PPE (Personal Protective Equipment)
| PPE | Purpose | When to Use |
| Ghosting-proof vest | Absorbs unexpected silence-based trauma | During “Hey 👀” texts |
| Noise-canceling boundaries | Blocks manipulative sob stories | When they say “You’re different from others” |
| Steel-reinforced patience boots | For walking through “I’m just not ready right now” swamps | Anytime someone says “Let’s just go with the flow” |
| Gaslighting detection goggles | Highlights delusional statements like “You’re overreacting” | Especially with emotionally unavailable love interests |
| Emotional seatbelt | Secures you during roller-coaster “break up/get back together” loops | When they respond “lol u choose” |
Chapter 2: Risk Profile — Know Thy Opponent (Oops, Partner)
Before entering a relationship, you should receive a Risk Disclosure Form:
✅ Emotional Risk Appetite:
- Low: “I text back in 2-4 business days. I fear commitment more than nuclear war.”
- Medium: “I will post your elbow on my story but deny your existence in public.”
- High: “I want to merge souls, bank accounts, and childhood trauma by Wednesday.”
✅ Attachment Style Rating (Based on Real-Life Battlefield Observations):
| Style | Nickname | Risk |
| Secure | The unicorn | Safe (mythical, rarely sighted) |
| Anxious | “Why didn’t you reply to my paragraph?” | Explosive |
| Avoidant | “Let’s hang out (but not emotionally)” | Ghost-level |
| Anxious-Avoidant | “Come here. No, go away. Why are you leaving?” | Nuclear |
✅ Baggage Load
- Carry-on: “My ex was mildly annoying.”
- Checked luggage: “I’m still emotionally engaged to someone I haven’t spoken to in 8 months.”
- Cargo ship: “I don’t trust happiness.”
Insight: Risk Assessment Matrix for Lovers
| Risk Category | Low Risk | Medium Risk | High Risk | Catastrophic |
| Communication | Replies daily | Replies inconsistently | Leaves you on read | Ghosts then returns during Mercury retrograde |
| Jealousy | Normal reaction | Double-taps suspiciously | Checks your “last seen” | Tracks your Spotify listening habits |
| Financial Stability | Pays own coffee | Goes 50/50 | “Forgot wallet again” | “Can you cosign this?” |
| Emotional Availability | Sees future with you | Unsure | “Let’s not define it” | “I’m healing but also flirting with 4 people” |
| Past Trauma | Talks openly | Still sensitive | Mentions ex daily | Still buys their ex birthday gifts |
Chapter 3: Classified Relationship Types by Risk Sector
1. The Crypto Romance
- Starts with excitement, ends with “It’s not you, it’s market volatility.”
- High yield, high risk. May leave you emotionally bankrupt.
2. The Start-up Love
- Built on hype, motivational quotes, and future promises.
- 99% fail due to burnout, mismatched visions, or bad funding (a.k.a. no emotional support).
3. The Corporate Relationship
- “We should align on deliverables.”
- Monthly performance reviews. Love is KPI-driven.
4. The Government Contract Love
- Slow to start, endless approvals, zero passion, but stable.
- You stay for the pensions (shared Netflix and routine).
5. The MLM Romance
- Starts with “Babe, let’s grow together.” Ends with “I think you should recruit your friends.”
- You lose money AND dignity.
Dating as Market Sectors
1. Crypto Romance (Ticker: $BABE/USD)
- Emotional price fluctuates wildly: “I miss you” at 3AM > “We should take a break” by 10AM.
- Promises: “We’re gonna be different. We’re going to the moon.”
- Reality: Rug pulled emotionally after a random “gm” (good morning) tweet.
- You considered long-term but they “sold early to protect their energy.”
📉 Risk Level: You’ll check their last seen like stock charts.
2. Start-up Love (Startup Name: Heartsy.io)
- Vision driven, builds fast, fueled by trauma bonding and caffeine.
- Problem: No sustainable emotional business model.
- Founders (you two) don’t align on equity (how much love each deserves).
- One says, “I see us in 5 years,” the other is still using dating apps “for data research.”
- Eventually burns out and shuts down silently like a failed Kickstarter campaign.
📉 Risk Level: Extreme. 99% fail, the 1% raise Series A (marriage).
3. Corporate Relationship (Company: LoveCorp™)
- Requires weekly check-ins: “Hey, we need to talk about how you’ve been distant.”
- Conflict resolution meetings end with “Let’s revisit this after Q4.”
- Pet names replaced with job titles: “Bae → Performance Under-review Candidate.”
- KPI = Kissing Performance Indicator.
- Romance is structured, stable, and occasionally sex feels like 2 employees clocking in for mandatory compliance training.
📉 Risk Level: Moderate. Emotionally safe but passion depreciates like office coffee.
4. Government Contract Love (Dept. of Feelings & Bureaucracy)
- Takes forever to become official, like getting a building permit.
- Relationship status is pending senate approval, emotional paperwork missing Form 14-LUV.
- Lots of waiting, minimal action, weekly “we’ll look into it” meetings.
- But once it’s approved, benefits last 30 years — even when passion is gone, the joint mortgage remains.
📉 Risk Level: Low emotional excitement, but excellent pension (shared dogs, Sunday routines, matching pajamas).
5. MLM Romance (Emotionally equivalent to “Hey boss babe 💕 how are you?”)
- Starts with “We’re going to build something powerful together” but you realize you are just part of their emotional downline.
- After three weeks, they ask: “Would you like to invite your friends to this experience?”
- Romance becomes a motivational speech: “If we communicate harder and trust the process, we can achieve freedom.”
- You lose money, time, emotional dignity, and suddenly your relationship has PowerPoint slides.
📉 Risk Level: Pyramid-shaped heartbreak.
Chapter 4: Real-Life Case Studies (Now Fully Expanded for Academic Purposes)
Case Study A: The Low-Risk Boyfriend Who Turned Into a Volatile Asset
He seemed stable: kind, consistent, decent Spotify playlists.
Three months later: sudden crypto guru, emotional speaker, and vanishes for three days after posting “Trust the process.”
Outcome: Explosion. Insurance did not cover emotional damage.
Survivor testimony indicates that during his volatility phase, he developed sudden interest in “finding himself” and frequently referenced “energy alignment.” He started wearing amethyst crystals “for clarity,” began journaling in public cafes, and posted dangerous quotes like:
“If I disappear, just know I’m somewhere healing.”
He was later spotted at 3AM liking his ex’s posts “for closure.”
Case Study B: The Instagram Goddess with Undefined ROI
Stunning visuals. Always “healing,” “in alignment,” and “releasing old energies.”
Relationships last 21 days — lunar cycle.
Leaves partners spiritually awakened but financially drained (crystals are expensive).
Symptoms include excessive sunlight exposure for “aura recharging,” a moon tattoo with unknown date significance, and sudden unavailability every Mercury retrograde. She will say, “I am not your girlfriend; I am your mirror.” You now have a therapist, a sage stick subscription, and a persistent sense of failure for not being enough for someone who “just needed space to evolve.”
Case Study C: The “Chill, No Drama” Guy
Says “I’m not like other guys.”
Turns out he is like other guys, just unemployed.
His main hobbies include playing FIFA, arguing about Marvel plotlines, and saying “I had potential, but school wasn’t my path.” Claims he could’ve gone pro in three different areas but never did. Ghosts you for two days and then texts “Hey, want to hang?” like rent isn’t due and dreams aren’t dead.
Chapter 5: Relationship Insurance & Exit Strategy
Do you have:
✅ Heartbreak insurance: Group therapy or that one strong friend who says “He was mid anyway”?
✅ Exit strategy: Fake business trip to Bali or “I need to work on myself” starter pack?
✅ Safety network: Meme group chat for recovery?
Emotional Insurance Packages (EIP)
In today’s dangerous romantic landscape, no sane individual should enter a situationship, situationshift, fling, entanglement™, or “We’re still figuring things out” contract without a certified Emotional Insurance Policy (EIP).
Here’s a comparison chart:
| Insurance Tier | Coverage | Premium | Includes |
| Bronze Plan – “Let me cry first” | Covers late-night texting regrets | One vent session to bestie | Unlimited sad songs |
| Silver Plan – “He wasn’t even cute” | Covers ghosting trauma | Weekly brunch therapy | Meme detox & ego repair patches |
| Gold Plan – “I journal now” | Covers post-breakup identity crisis | Subscription to emotional clarity podcasts | Guided TikTok affirmations |
| Platinum Plan – “I rebirth in Bali” | Full heartbreak reinvention | $3,999/month plus a yoga mat | New hair, new personality, healed feminine/masculine energy package |
| Diamond Plan – “Witness Protection Program” | You disappear and start over | Sponsored by universe | You’re now called Aurora, live near a waterfall, and post quotes about peace |
Emotional Survival Kit Must Include:
- 1 playlist titled: “It’s okay, I will glow up after this”
- 1 toxic friend who hypes you dangerously (“TEXT HIM RIGHT NOW”)
- 1 rational friend who tells you not to (“Don’t. He’s trash.”)
- Emergency ice cream or whiskey (depending on gender identity and level of damage)
- The gym membership you swore you’d use after heartbreak
- A fireproof folder labeled “Screenshots”
- Block button (premium, used in emergencies only)
Chapter 6: Exit Strategy Planning Checklist
🔲 Do you have a reason ready? (Examples: “I need to focus on personal growth,” “The moon said it’s not aligned,” or “My cat needs more emotional availability from me.”)
🔲 Have you removed sentimental triggers? (E.g.: Hidden their hoodie in a biohazard bin.)
🔲 Have you blocked them or muted them depending on how toxic you feel that day?
🔲 Have you prepared your fake spiritual journey post? (“Learning to love myself again…”)
🔲 Do you have a ‘silent revenge success arc’ plan lined up? (New haircut, new job, new glow.)
✅ If 4 out of 5 boxes are checked, your exit may proceed.
Warning: Attempting to exit without proper closure may lead to relapse texts like “Hey, I just wanted to check in. Hope you’re good.”
Chapter 7: Final Thoughts
Modern relationships aren’t inherently bad. They’re just high-stakes, psychologically complex mergers between two individuals who are overworked, emotionally burnt out, influenced by social media, nostalgic for old-school love, but terrified of vulnerability.
So before entering a relationship, ask yourself:
🟡 Do I have the emotional PPE?
🟠 Have I reviewed the risk disclosures?
🔴 Do I have emergency evacuation plans?
✅ Do I understand that “We’re just vibing” is not a legally binding commitment?
Conclusion: Statement from the Ministry of Emotional Safety
In a world where TikTok trends expire faster than relationships, where love is sometimes just trauma bonding with good lighting, and where “We’re talking” can drag on longer than some marriages, we must accept the real truth:
❤️ Love today isn’t a fairy tale — it’s an emotionally hazardous worksite with questionable supervision, recycled trauma, and vague deliverables.
You’re not just entering a relationship — you’re entering:
- A collaboration without HR
- A loyalty test without instructions
- A financial merger of emotional currencies
- An unregulated psychological marketplace
📍Risk can be managed. But remember:
Even the safest person might still get sudden startup energy and rebrand themselves as a free-spirited nomad chasing sunsets in Lisbon.
Final Unofficial Federal Advisory:
🔺 If they say “I’m hard to love,” believe them.
🟢 If they put in effort consistently, insure them under the Platinum “Don’t Lose This One” plan.
⚪ If they still talk to their ex “as a friend,” upgrade your PPE kit immediately.
🛑 If they say “I’m not looking for anything serious right now,” evacuate calmly but immediately.
🌋 If they post “I’m working on my soft era,” emotional lava flow is coming.
Final Official Warning Label:
“Love at your own risk. Hazards include but are not limited to: overthinking, stress-eating, playlist addiction, astrology reliance, accidental healing, and unexpected emotional maturity.”
Author: John S. Morlu II, CPA is the CEO and Chief Strategist of JS Morlu, leads a globally recognized public accounting and management consultancy firm. Under his visionary leadership, JS Morlu has become a pioneer in developing cutting-edge technologies across B2B, B2C, P2P, and B2G verticals. The firm’s groundbreaking innovations include AI-powered reconciliation software (ReckSoft.com) and advanced cloud accounting solutions (FinovatePro.com), setting new industry standards for efficiency, accuracy, and technological excellence.