By: John S. Morlu II, CPA
Welcome to Kenya’s transport jungle — where the journey is part chaos, part comedy, and always an adventure. You haven’t *truly* experienced Kenya until you’ve survived a matatu ride while listening to booming reggae, receiving unsolicited life advice, and hanging onto your seat for dear life.
Matatus – Loud, Proud, and Unapologetically Kenyan
Matatus are Kenya’s famous minibuses — half public transport, half moving discotheque. Each one is decorated like a rolling shrine to pop culture icons: Tupac, Bob Marley, Cristiano Ronaldo, even Obama.
They don’t follow schedules. They follow vibes. If a matatu stops, it’s not because you waved it down. It’s because the driver sensed your energy.
🎨 Fun Fact: Some matatus have better sound systems than recording studios and more neon lights than Times Square. If you’re not deaf or dazed by the end of the ride, ask for a refund.
🗣️ Interesting Tidbit: Conductors communicate in grunts, finger flicks, and psychic whispers. If you understand them, congratulations — you’ve officially been absorbed into the matatu matrix.
🎤 More Fun: The best matatus have onboard DJs. One even had a motivational speaker giving life tips between stops.
Boda Bodas – Speed, Thrill, and a Touch of Terror
Boda bodas (motorbike taxis) are the fastest way to get from A to B — especially when the roads think they’re obstacle courses. They weave through traffic like a video game, hop curbs, and occasionally make their own roads.
They’re perfect for:
- Running late
- Dodging traffic
- Testing your will to live
🧠 Fun Fact: Some boda riders offer phone charging, umbrella holding, gospel music blasting, and can quote the Constitution while overtaking a police car.
😅 Hilarious Tidbit: There’s a boda guy who also does barber services while you ride. You may arrive at your meeting with a fresh fade.
Private Cars – The Mirage of Comfort
Uber, Bolt, and local ride apps exist, but be warned:
- The driver may call you five times before arriving — all to ask, “uko wapi?” (Where are you?), even though he has your GPS.
- He might ask *you* for directions, then blame traffic when he’s late.
- The car may or may not have fuel.
- And somehow, you’ll still give a 5-star rating because he played Diamond Platnumz and told you his life story.
📱 Extra Tip: If the car model on the app says “Toyota Axio” and a tuk-tuk shows up, just roll with it.
Google Maps Can’t Help You Here
In Kenya, Google Maps is more like a “maybe” suggestion. It’ll get you close — but you’ll need human intuition, a boda guy’s help, or divine revelation to find the final destination.
Example:
Google: “You have arrived.”
Reality: You’re outside a goat pen and a church named “God Will Make a Way Ministries.”
🧭 Fun Fact: Asking for directions in Kenya usually starts with “You go straight…” and ends with you climbing a hill and crossing a river.
Transport Creativity at Its Finest
You’ll see:
- A guy carrying a sofa on a motorbike.
- A matatu with a goat as a passenger — wearing a seatbelt.
- Boda bodas delivering wedding cakes… in the rain, dodging potholes and matatus.
- Pick-up trucks turned into school buses and milk vans by day, mobile churches by night.
- A tuk-tuk blasting Celine Dion with LED underlights. It’s the Nairobi version of Fast & Furious.
🛑 Side Note: Helmets are optional. Faith is mandatory.
Final Word
In Kenya, transportation is not about speed. It’s about survival, swagger, and storytelling. You don’t take a matatu — you experience it. You don’t ride a boda — you negotiate with gravity. And tuk-tuks? They’re rickshaw-meets-rhythm.
Never assume the ride will be smooth — but it will be unforgettable. Buckle up (if there’s a belt), say a prayer (just in case), and enjoy the ride.
Next up in Chapter Nineteen:
“Politics, Memes, and the Magical Realism of Kenyan Humor.”
About the Author
John is an entrepreneur, strategist, and founder of JS Morlu, LLC, a Virginia based CPA firm with multiple software ventures including www.FinovatePro.com, www.Recksoft.com and www.Fixaars.com . With operations spanning multiple countries, John is on a mission to build global infrastructure that empowers small businesses, entrepreneurs, and professionals to thrive in an increasingly competitive world. He believes in hard truths, smart execution, and the relentless pursuit of excellence. When he’s not writing or building, he’s challenging someone to a productivity contest—or inventing software that automates it.
